In other words, my net connection wasn't working. I tried everything. After a few hours, a few beers, and a few curse words, I figured it out.
I finally was able to ping my default gateway (my modem). I was losing 50% of my packets! Bad Cable? Nah. Bad NIC!
Microsoft has probably finally found a way to corrupt hardware with their software. I take my hat off to them!
DEATH TO ALL COMPUTERS!
[Me]
[Computer]